Push It Aside
by Ilovenumber77
Summary: Detour Missing scene. Scully's thoughts after Mulder falls asleep. What could be going on in her pretty little mind...?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Push It Aside

Rating: G I think, But PG to be safe.

Spoilers: Obviously for Detour and some for Anasazi, but I don't think that should be problem. I'm pretty sure 99.9% of people reading this have seen the whole series.

Disclaimer: If I was CC, I would have put this in the episode and not bother writing about it eleven years later and posting it on . I think that about clears things up.

Summary: What were Scully's thoughts in that missing scene in Detour? You know the one I'm talking about. What happened after Mulder fell asleep? I know this is one that is frequently touched upon, but hey, nothing wrong with one more version, right?

Author's Note: At the end.

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"Joy to the world…Mulder, you're supposed to join me," Scully teased, nudging him with her knee slightly. Then she noticed that he was asleep.

The woods suddenly became very quiet, or rather loud, for the sounds of the bugs and tree frogs were now amplified. She wished she had more experience camping.

Spending time in the woods was one thing, but sitting in the cold of the night surrounded by looming trees was unsettling.

And the trees _moved. _Well, she knew it wasn't that, per se, but she heard things; leaves rustled, branches creaked, twigs cracked.

She looked down upon Mulder's sleeping body. His face was turned away from her, so all she saw were his tousled mats of slightly damp hair in the meager light. She could feel his stomach expanding and retracting with every soft breath.

_Just focus on his breathing._

She wondered where that idea came from, but she obeyed, concentrating on the even whooshing of air.

_Inhale. _

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale. _

The sounds of the forest melted away, and his breathing had become the center of all of her hearing. She was reassuring, comforting, and she sighed in the ecstasy of it.

She wanted to laugh. How could the mere breath of another person make you melt into a puddle of contentment?

But this wasn't just some random person; this was Mulder. She had seen him on his death bed so many times, it was simply obvious that his breathing was like a beam of sunshine kissing her face.

_I'm walking on sunshine, ooh ooh…_

The song had popped into her head, and she softly hummed the tune. She felt him stir slightly and stopped, holding him tighter to her, fearing that he may become chilled.

"Shhhh, Mulder, it's alright. I'm right here," she found herself saying.

He stopped moving and sighed deeply, returning to a more restful slumber.

Scully remembered the last time she had observed Mulder sleeping. It was when he was drugged from the water and came to her after he told her his father was dead. She sat by him that entire night, watching him, worrying, as he thrashed around in feverish nightmares in her bed.

There was also that trek across country a few days later, after she had shot him. She was able to talk the police down ad get him to her apartment. He passed out in her car. She had dressed his wound while he was unconscious before they left. As she drove to Arizona, not able to take him on a flight, he slept in the back seat of her car, moaning, sweating, tossing and turning. In the motels, she sponged him down as best she could, only imagining what was going on in his fevered head. She sat by his bed those two nights, her brow creased with concern. He had awoken a couple of times, his eyes dilated and glossy. He had reached his arms out, as if in search of something.

"I'm here, Mulder," she'd say, taking his hand in hers. "It's alright, I'm here."

He would pass out again instantly.

She absentmindedly ran her fingers through his hair now, thankful he remembered nothing of that ordeal.

She quietly played with his unruly strands of hair, listening to his breathing.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

She had never experienced Mulder sleeping normally until now. Sure, there had been times where she'd catch him snoozing at his desk or napping on his couch, but she'd wake him. She'd never seen a sleeping Mulder, let alone held one.

She'd never played with his hair either. Yeah, she ran her hand through it once or twice, but…

As the realization of what she was doing his her, she removed her playful fingers from his chestnut locks. She wouldn't want Mulder playing with her hair while she was asleep.

_Or would I? No, push that thought aside. He's my partner; there's no need to think such thoughts. _

She draped her arm rightfully across his midsection.

_Rightfully? No, it's just to keep him warm; it's purely for medical purposes. Can't have him freezing to death._

She felt that dull, heavy, constricting feeling of a lie loom over her as she thought the words. But she didn't want to think about that now.

_Just push it aside._

The feeling evaded, but was still there in the distance, waiting for the invitation to be thought of, discussed.

_Discussed? I don't even want to __**think**__ about this! The last thing I need is to __**discuss**__ these feelings with Mulder._

She froze and the feeling laughed in triumph. It came to the front of her mind, pushing, begging to escape, to be set free.

_I don't even know what you are. I don't want to think of you. I'm pushing you aside!_

But she did know what it was, and it wouldn't budge no matter how much she shoved.

Frustrated, she decided again to focus on Mulder's breathing. It had worked the first time.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

It only seemed to give the beast in her frontal lobe more encouragement.

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Author's Note: Yes, I know I should be writing _And Then There Were Tears_ and _So Much For My Happy Ending_, and I am, it's just coming slowly. VERY slowly. I hope to have those both updated by the end of next week (if not before) so my readers are happy. This one came to me a couple days ago, and I've been wondering about it and the concept wouldn't leave me alone, so I wrote it down. I know it's typical and a common idea, but like I said, nothing wrong with another version. I want to continue with this story and possibly make one or two more chapters, because I obviously didn't leave off in a very appealing place. But I will only continue if asked, so reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Push It Aside

Rating: G I think, But PG to be safe.

Spoilers: Some for Irresistable, but again, I don't think that should be problem.

Disclaimer: If I was CC, I would have put this in the episode and not bother writing about it eleven years later and posting it on . I think that about clears things up.

Summary: What were Scully's thoughts in that missing scene in Detour? You know the one I'm talking about. What happened after Mulder fell asleep? I know this is one that is frequently touched upon, but hey, nothing wrong with one more version, right?

Author's Note: At the end.

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Scully didn't know how long she had sat there, in the damp earth, pressed up against that equally damp and moss covered log. All she knew was that her legs had fallen asleep, the tingly sensation in her legs irritating the living out of her.

_I should have known better than to sit cross-legged._

Of course, it wouldn't have mattered how she sat. With Mulder lying across them, they were bound to have their circulation cut off.

Slowly, she eased him off her legs and rested him gently on the ground. She shakily stood and let out a sigh, tucking her tangled hair behind her ear.

_I hate rain. But this is not the time to think about your hair._

She stepped over Mulder's sleeping body and walked around the small pool of moonlight, stretching her aching limbs.

She looked around some, figuring she might as well keep up the job description of being 'on guard'. Seeing nothing of nothing, for the darkness was unforgiving, she stood still for a moment, letting her ears do the work.

Insects, tree frogs, wind. She deciphered that was nothing out of the ordinary, but didn't like listening any. She was half tempted to wake Mulder, but would feel embarrassed because she would have to tell him it was because she was afraid of the sounds of the forest.

She knew perfectly well that he would not hold that against her, but hated to admit things anyway.

Her mind trailed back in time to Donnie Pfaster, and she shook at the irony of it. God, she had never cracked on a case like that, never did again. She did not want Mulder to know she was having trouble; she did not want to appear weak in front of him, especially on that case. Having the victims being women, and being a woman herself…

She had always felt at a disadvantage, being a woman playing in the boys' club. She knew Mulder was nothing like that, but it had always been important to her to be in control, to be strong so that everyone's first impressions of her would be overthrown once the saw her intelligence, her deductive mind, her _spunk_.

But that case…and Pfaster's abduction of her…she had broke down in front of Mulder, in front of everybody.

Everybody else seemed to fade away, though. He held her close to his chest, whispering the same phrase into her hair, over and over.

_"It's okay."_

She keep her face hidden in his shirt as he quickly led her to the car, placing her in the passengers seat and making haste out of that dreadful place.

She kept her head down the whole way back to the motel, staring at nothing but her lap, never feeling so ashamed in her life.

Arriving at the parking lot, she exited the car and ran to the building, up the stars, and to her room. She could here him running after her, but he did not call her name. She slammed her door behind her, silent tears streaming down her face. She cleaned up in the bath room and changed her clothes, crawling into her bed, curling her legs up to her chest, and felt cold and scared.

Mulder never entered her room, but she knew he wanted to. They had adjoining rooms, and she did not hear his TV turn on. She heard some scruffling, his exasperated breathing. She had found it strange that his breath had become so loud, filling the empty air that surrounded her. But there was nothing else to hear.

Then she heard a loud thump against her door, the one that connected Mulder's room to hers. She jumped, then his shout of frustration pieced her eardrum. She heard a scratching sound of him sliding down the wooden door. She could almost see him, his back to the door, his head resting on his knees. She merely pulled the covers up over her head as his sobbing seeped into her and filled her.

_Did he not know? All I wanted was for him to enter my room and hold me, tell me I was going to be safe, make me feel safe. But I couldn't, I wouldn't have let him anyway. I was too ashamed. Perhaps he knew that? No, I'm not going to think about this. Just push it aside, Dana…_

Feeling cold, she shoved her hands in her pockets, tensing her shoulders.

_I hurt him that night. No! Push it aside! But I can't help it. He already knew what I was feeling, he already knew what I needed, but I didn't want what I needed, and he knew that too. And that's how I hurt him, but why?_

She looked over at Mulder, his face relaxed and peaceful, his legs curled up, his hair shifting slightly in the meager breeze.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale. _

She sighed and loosened her shoulders, Mulder's breathing relaxing her.

_Maybe it is better to push it aside. Thinking brings up questions, questions you can't answer._

That lie cloud came back, and so did the monster to press against her forehead.

She would never say it, not even inside her head, but it wasn't that she couldn't answer, for she knew the answer, but she didn't want to face it.

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Author's note: Hope you liked this chapter, but were left wanting more. I'm going to make another chapter, and "resolve" this little tale. Thanks for reading and please review!


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Push It Aside

Rating: G I think, But PG to be safe.

Spoilers: Some for all things, Lazarus, and Redux II (yes, you're aloud to squeal with joy at that last one).

Disclaimer: If I was CC, I would have put this in the episode and not bother writing about it eleven years later and posting it on . I think that about clears things up.

Summary: What were Scully's thoughts in that missing scene in Detour? You know the one I'm talking about. What happened after Mulder fell asleep? I know this is one that is frequently touched upon, but hey, nothing wrong with one more version, right?

Author's Note: At the end.

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Having come back to the clearing after urinating off site, which wasn't exciting, Scully stood next to Mulder, glancing around again. And, as expected, nothing was to be seen or heard.

She looked down on her partner in quiet slumber. She kneeled down next to him and pulled her hand from the warmth of her pocket and rested it gently on his cheek.

Not exactly cold, but not warm either.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

He removed her hand and watched his chest, rising and falling with his beautiful breathing.

_Beautiful?_

Well, it was true; Mulder was a beautiful person. Or, more accurately, a beautiful _man._

Her eyes returned to his face; his eyelashes twitching slightly in the deepness of sleep, his mouth closed with his full, lower lip pouting, an arrogant stand of hair resting on his forehead.

She'd had to deal with this before, having to work with deliciously good-looking men. Some of which she dated, but found out quickly that that never worked out. Jack, for one, and she didn't even want to touch on the subject of Daniel.

Of course, their looks never came close to Mulder's, and their minds…they were obsessive, involved, single-minded.

Mulder was those things too, but there was a difference; Dan and Jack were controlling; something which her current partner lacked. She didn't know how to describe that exactly, but knew it was true.

And he was…sensitive. He had lost things in his life. Loved ones, and possibly love itself. Jack was arrogant; he knew that he was better than everybody else. And Daniel was obviously selfish, practically rejecting his wife and daughter to chase after…

_No, push that aside. _

She took her finger and gently brushed the loose hair back to where it belonged.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

She remembered from a couple weeks ago, when she had her cancer, Mulder had told her that he had come into her hospital room, but didn't have the heart to wake her. She wondered if he had left immediately, or sat and watched her, possibly even _talked_ to her.

Did he see her as she saw him during the vulnerability of sleep? Just listening to the even breathing, wondering about things?

But that wasn't fair; Mulder was not dying, she was.

She went back in time to those days, those dreadful days when she was lying in that hospital bed, preparing to knock on death's door.

She never wanted to see that look on Mulder's face again; the look of sheer loss and pain.

But there was something about those days, something that she had lost, and it wasn't her cancer.

_I miss it. I miss his hugs, his hands, his tender words, his kisses…everything that stopped once I was cured. Why did he stop? And why did he even start? He knew he was losing me, did he think I needed it? Or maybe he needed it, but was holding back what he truly wanted. No! Don't let your mind wander like that! You're being silly, stop thinking up fantasies that couldn't possibly be. Push it aside!_

But it was possible, and she knew it.

_Did he stop because he thought I didn't want it anymore? Mulder, with his brilliantly deductive mind, has a habit of miss-guessing what I want. But, then again, I don't know what he wants either, or want to think I don't know._

She stood up, backing away slightly. She put her face in her hands and sighed. What was really going on here? She basically covered very random points in her life with Mulder, but what did it all mean? What did she want?

_Maybe it's what I'm afraid of having. I can't keep pushing these things off to the side. But should I pursue it? _

She looked up.

"Achoo!"

At the inhale of chilled air, it tickled the inner membrane of her nose, causing an unpleasant sneeze to follow.

She took the back of her hand and wiped her nose, feeling how cold it was. She glanced at Mulder, knowing that if she was chilled moving around, then he must be frozen lying there injured.

Sniffling some, she approached him. She sat down behind him, leaning up against the soggy, half-decayed log, getting ready to lift him and have him rest across her lap.

_My legs will just fall asleep again, and then I'll have to get up and stretch them._

She sighed. There was a simple solution to that predicament, except…

Hell, there were no exceptions.

She lay down on her side, wrapping her arms around his mid-section, pressing her chest up against his back. She rested her forehead in his hair, feeling the warmth there.

Sighing with contentment, she relaxed against him, curling her legs up under his.

He stirred.

"Scully?" he groaned, his voice groggy, laden with sleep.

"Shh, Mulder, it's just me."

She heard him exhale. "Your breath tickled the back of my neck."

Her brow pursed, and started to pull back. "Sorry, I'll move…"

"No. It's okay, you're warm. Stay there."

She obeyed, resuming her previous position.

"What did I do to deserve this treatment?" he jested, his voice gaining it's health back, now lower, soft, and gravelly. "Did I miss the sleeping bag shower?"

She smiled, feeling the vibration of his words escaping his chest to tingle her hands.

"Yep, you just missed it. I'm naked, with the sleeping bag in my hand, and I was just about to take these stupid clothes off of you."

He chuckled. "You wouldn't happen to let me turn around to see it you're lying or not?"

"Nope."

They were silent for a time, just laying there, enjoying each other's warmth.

"Scully?"

"Hum?"

"Thanks."

_Thanks? For what? What did I do that was so grandiose? _

She was about to ask him, but his even breathing grazed her eardrum, telling he had drifted off again.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

She relaxed next to him, matching his breathing. She had to push the thought aside for now, but saved the question for later, along with several others.

She decided all she could do was to wait for things to unfold.

_Speaking of folds…_

"My blood runs cold, my memory has just been sold. Na na na na na na-my angel is the centerfold…" Scully muttered this quietly to herself, and waited for dawn.

End

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Author's note: Yes, this is the last chapter to this little tale. Sorry there isn't much closure, but is there ever on the X Files? I think I gave more than CC ever did (most of the time…). Anyway, I hope to make some more shorties like this with lots of UST or RST…? :) Thanks for reading and please review. Reviews are always nice . Thanks to everyone who has already reviewed. Luv you bunches!!!!. (Walks away whistling tune to Centerfold.)


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